Dear Lara, today you're 5.

Well, here we are again.  You see, I have a love hate relationship with time.  I'm sure we all do.  We beg it to speed up when we're waiting for something exciting, and then plead with it to slow down when we're smacked in the face with milestones we're not quite ready to accept.

Like my little 6 lb baby who was too small for newborn clothes, turning 5.  Like, wait, she was just born yesterday?!

F.I.V.E.  It feels so big to me...

I know there are mom's reading this, silently laughing because you just sent your daughter off to college and here I am whining about my baby turning 5.  Trust me, I get it.  I'm sure I'll laugh at all the preschool moms, too, someday.

But today is not that day.

Lara, raising you has been the hardest thing I've ever experienced and at the same time, the thing I'm most proud of in this world.

You feel things so big, daughter.  SO, so big.  From your little sister wearing your dirt stained, purple flip flops, to seeing a microscopic insect 700 yards away, to being told it's time for bed.  To you, these things are the end of the world. The things that upset you these days, you feel them deep within your soul and have the tears to show for it.

But what that also means, is that you love SO, so big.  When we found out the Lord was blessing us with another baby girl, we weren't sure how you'd take it.  But turns out, you may be a better mom to Sadie than I am.  You love your baby sister with your whole heart, and watching you two together is my greatest joy.  My GREATEST joy!

I often hear you talking to her in the morning, convincing her to let you pick out her outfit.  And like any good little sister, she always obliges. You put her in a frilly dress, just like you.  You then patiently help her put on her shoes, buckling them for her because her little fingers still can't maneuver the tiny buckles, and then you proudly bring her into our room to show her off.

She is your real life baby doll, and thankfully Sadie loves every second of it, too.  She looks up to you more than you'll ever know.  She loves being in your room, watching you at your big girl vanity brushing your hair.  I'll never forget the morning you fixed her hair for her so it would look just like yours.  That picture will forever be engrained in my heart because I was so proud of you. You welcome her adoration instead of letting it annoy the hell out of you.  Daughter, at times you are wise beyond your years.

You have become so perceptive, watching and observing your surroundings along with listening to every single word that comes out of your father and I's mouth.  Whether we want you to listen or not, YOU ARE.  And man, it makes you HOT when we spell things in front of you.  Remember when I said you feel things "so big," well, us spelling words in front of you ticks your little heart off.  You always want to be in the know and it frustrates you to no end that you can't quite figure out what we're spelling.

My favorite time with you is when you're in a talkative mood, spilling all your secrets you store in your great, big imagination.  Some of my favorite moments are laying next to you in bed while you tell me all about what's going on at school, with your friends, and lately....with your boyfriends.

Yeah, boyfriends. Like, when did that start?

The other day you told me you were going to marry Tucker, the new boy at your school.  Now, whether you've talked to Tucker about this or not, that's still up in the air.  But you could care less, which I adore about you.  You know what you want, and that's that.

The outside world sees you as a timid little girl because it takes you awhile to warm up to people, the complete opposite of myself.  I warm up too easily, which has resulted in my heart being hurt when the person turns out to be not what I expected.  But you, you're a slow burn.  You make people earn your trust and I admire that about you.

You challenge me everyday to see the world differently.  You've taught me patience.  And most of all daughter, you've allowed me to feel a love so deep it knocks the breath out of me at times. I feel it when I look at you and watch the little girl you're becoming right before my eyes.

When I was a little girl, my mom (your grandma!) wrote me a note that I still carry in my wallet today.

"Dear Annie,

I hug you in my heart & pray your journey is peaceful as you go. 

You have to be the greatest daughter any mom could have! 

You truly are my sunshine!

Love you beautiful,

Mom"

To my Lara, my beautiful girl, I pray the same for you.  I will hug you in my heart all the days of my life. Happy 5th birthday, baby!

XOXO,
Mom

Dear Lara, today you're 4.

Today, you're 4.

I can hardly believe it.  I realize every mom says that...but honestly, I can't. You're turning into a beautiful soul right before my eyes. 

To be transparent, this past year has had it's challenges. But that's to be expected with three, right? I was told that a million times, but I didn't believe it. 

I brushed off all those moms who came before me, telling myself they had it all wrong.  That all the tantrums, emotions and epic meltdowns would end the moment you transitioned from 2 to 3. 

Well, I was wrong.  But, like most things in motherhood, aren't we always?  We live and learn everyday, all the while our little ones steadfastly, blindly loving us while we navigate this whole motherhood gig. 

And you, my daughter, are no different. I remember when you were a baby, trying to get you to smile for pictures.  You stared me down with this solemn look on your face, rarely smiling and never when I asked, of course. It drove me crazy!  I remember being concerned, wondering how I'd raise this quiet, serious spirit of a child...

Each year that passes, I embrace & adore every ounce of the little lady you are. 

You are analytical, always nervous in new places and situations. You sit back, typically clinging to my leg, taking it all in. It used to be hard for me to watch you be fearful of new things, but I've grown to admire that about you.  

You are very different from I, very quiet and shy until you feel comfortable with the new people around you. As you grow into a young woman, I know this trait will protect your heart. You've taught me so much in your short, 4 years of life. You've taught me patience, Lord have you taught me patience. You've taught me to forgive.  But most of all, you've taught me a love I never knew before you.

I remember the moment you were born as if it was yesterday. I can still smell your sweet, soft skin as your daddy held you up to my lips so I could kiss your tiny, little face. You were stubborn from the start, breech and not budging, so a c-section it was. I laugh about it now, because this scheduled, planned labor was exactly how you would've wanted it. 

You like plans. You like routine. You like to always know what's coming.  

You also LOVE shoes, especially mine.  You have mastered the art of walking in heels, heels that are 10 sizes too big, mind you.

And makeup. And purses, oh do you love purses.  

Everywhere we go, you ensure you have a matching purse filled to the brim with your horsey bracelet, pretend credit card and teal Moana flip phone.  And your sunglasses, the hot pink sunglasses. Those are never, ever left behind. 

What can I say, you love your accessories. I have no idea where you get that from. #guilty

Watching you become a big sister has been my biggest joy.  You are gentle with her, even when she is screaming because she wants the baby doll that YOU have.  Not one of 800 baby dolls sitting right next to her. 

You are wise beyond your years, understanding that she wants what you have because she adores you. She looks up to you and everything you are.  And why wouldn't she?  

You, my little love, have a heart of gold. 

As you grow up, I hope you always...always remember, that everyday I get to spend with you is "The Best Day"  of my life. 

Love,

Mom

A note to my Sadie June on her FIRST Birthday.

It seems like just yesterday your Dad and I were strolling the aisles of CVS, trying to kill time and calm nerves before heading to the hospital for my induction to have YOU.  It was November 30th, your due date.

We planned an evening at the Plaza full of wonderful food and a "stroll" thru the lights.  I'm not sure why I thought I was capable of "strolling" at this point in my pregnancy with you.  Hell, I had contemplated getting one of those motorized chairs the last few weeks of my pregnancy.

Since my pre planned stroll was most definitely not happening, CVS sounded like a good pit stop instead.  Dad stocked up on Oreos.  Me, well I picked myself up some chapstick.

That super soft, Baby Lips stuff Maybelline makes. Man, I loved that chapstick until your big sister pulled it out of the tube and smashed it a few days after you were born.





You have been the calm in our crazy this past year. 

You are so, so easy going unless someone tries to pry a toy of your liking from your fierce death grip you seem to have.  Unfortunately, your sister has attempted to do just that quite a few times over the past year.  But you, Sadie June, hold your own.  And I totally dig that about you. 

At the same time, you let her tackle you and tickle you endlessly.  The sound of you girls giggling is literally the best sound I've ever heard.

 I find myself fiercely protecting you due to your sweet demeanor, but then I witness one of your mini temper tantrums and realize you'll have no problem protecting yourself. 

I laugh at the fear I felt when learning you were a girl.  I thought it not possible to love another girl, but dang, I was so wrong. I love you endlessly.  You were everything I didn't know I needed. 



You have brought so much joy to our lives, with those dimples and those two wittle teeth now poking thru your bottom gums. There is literally nothing cuter than your sweet little grin.

I thought your big sister would not adjust well to sharing her world with you, but quite the contrary.  Much to our surprise, she loves you more than she loves us! 



She calls you her chicken nugget. In fact, last week she sang happy birthday to you....instead of using your actual name, she plugged in the words, "happy birthday my chicken nugget," and I thought my heart was going to explode.




You are crazy about your dad, hell both of you girls are.... 



But you....you Sadie June, really love your mommy and you're not afraid to show it.  You scream bloody murder when I take one step out of your eyesight. 



But listen here, I'll take every last ounce of the love you have for me, because someday you'll run out the front door hollering bye to me as you hop in the car with a boy.

Your first love, perhaps. 

And my heart will ache out of fear knowing that no one will possibly take care of you the way I have.  It will feel as if my own heart has just skipped out the front door.  Someday, when you're a mom, you'll realize that your children walking around is like your very own heart walking around outside your chest, out in the great big world.

You girls carry my heart with you every moment of everyday.

When you hurt, I'll hurt deeper.  When you cry, I'll cry harder.  When you're happy, my joy will be even more bountiful. 






So like I said, for now, I'll soak up every last ounce of the love you have for me. I'll take the crocodile tears you shed when I walk out of the room.  Because someday, I won't be able to swoop you up in my arms and kiss your sweet, chunky cheeks coated in wet tears.

In an instant, all is right in your world again. But little did you know, the moment you were born, my precious Sadie June, you made everything right in my world. 

Happy FIRST Birthday to our precious chicken nugget.

XOXO,
Mom