November.

Oh, November.  I’ve been feeling all the feels these past few weeks as November is now upon us.

This time last year I was 38 weeks pregnant.  Our house was under a massive renovation, walking was nearly unbearable due to how physically uncomfortable I was and I was convinced I wasn’t going to love this baby as much as I loved my first as I hadn’t yet connected with her.

And then, I lost my job. 

I’ve been reminiscing a lot these days as Sadie’s first birthday quickly approaches.  I’m in awe that one short year ago, it seems like things were so dark. 

I’m reading this book and a recent chapter really struck a chord.  It’s discussing how much growth you have when thrown into situations that seem debilitating.  Those times where you’re forced to close chapters you don’t think you’re ready to close, and start new ones.  Moments where you’re forced to take new roads, maybe roads less traveled, and you’re freakin’ terrified.  Overwhelmed, perhaps.

It’s in those moments where life changing growth happens.

Let’s just say November was a month of growth for me…literally and figuratively. 

But looking back, I would do it all over again.

I would get pregnant when Lara was a mere 18 months old, when I was in the midst of dealing with postpartum anxiety I didn’t realize I had. I would do it all again in a heartbeat just to watch my two girls roll around, giggling on the living room floor together.  I remember vividly praying to God to allow us to become pregnant when he thought we were ready.  If it wasn’t meant to be for another few years, I was totally ok with that.  But sure enough, that pregnancy test was positive a few short weeks later and I freaked out. 

I panicked, really. 

Here I was in the throws of PP anxiety from my firstborn, pregnant again!!  But God always has better plans than ours, doesn’t he? 

Because of the anxiety, Jon and I would find ourselves at church a few short months later.  I remember crying those first few services we attended because I thought my brokenness would never heal.  Then a crazy thing happened.  We joined a small group, formed life changing friendships with others who were hurting, and slowly….a small glimmer of light began peeking thru the curtain that was drawn.

I would take on another house renovation because this winter, we won’t worry about our family being cold because our windows are so old.  I feel beyond blessed every time I walk into our home. 

Blessed to have a place to raise our family; a safe, warm place.  I would do it all over again…just maybe not at 9 months pregnant. 

I would lose my job all over again if I could.  While it was one of the most excruciating experiences of my life, man, I’d go thru it all over again. The day I received the news, I sat sobbing on my couch. Horrified and humiliated.  The feeling of failure in that moment felt insurmountable. 

Shortly after, God provided me professional opportunities I felt undeserving of, and still do at times.  One opportunity in particular felt so right, but so terrifying.  Not one to shy away from a good challenge, I dove in headfirst.  This past year, returning to work after two kids, would have been so much more grueling if I wasn’t doing something I believe so passionately in.  That’s God’s work right there.  I will forever be grateful for those that helped orchestrate where I am today.

Additionally, I was to be able to take an extra-long maternity leave with my new baby girl, my baby girl who I found myself so madly in love with.

Life is funny sometimes, isn’t it? If you find yourself in darkness, hang in there. You’ll see the sun again soon.  I promise.

And try not to follow my cue….like renovate your house, get knocked up and lose your job. 

Maybe just try some yoga instead.

And a glass of wine.