Why am I going skiing today?

Being the total rookie that I am...I'm picturing this:





I've always wanted to be like Lindsey Vonn, and here's my chance. I'll show this damn mountain what's up, bitch.

Things I will be saying to myself to psych up:

"oh shit, what have I gotten myself into?!"
"why is it so cold!!!"
"I wonder when the bar opens?"
"I look like a pink marshmallow"
"what if I poop my pants.....will it freeze?"
"fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck"
"I miss my dog"
"hmmmm...I wonder who Ben sends home on the bachelor tonight?"
And then.....





WTF. My makeup is going to be ruined.
Why didn't I show up to the mountain looking like this?





Lindsey Vonn....that hot bitch.
And p.s. I'm scared shitless of heights.
The end.